I’m Sorry
Let me be clear about this episode - right from the gate. This isn’t going to be a conversation about WHY you need to apologize or WHY YOU SHOULD SAY ‘I’m sorry’ more often. It’s actually the opposite.
It’s the only episode, so far, that I’m releasing in this series where I want you to *NOT DO* what the title suggests. With ‘why me’ and ‘just ask’ and ‘what if’ – those were aspirational episodes. Those were words I wanted you to really think about.
But this one is different. This is what i’m gonna call an ‘awareness’ and ‘eradication’ episode because I’m gonna show you what the research says about your apologies, why you’re ACTUALLY saying them, AND WHAT YOU SHOULD BE SAYING INSTEAD.
I grew up in a house where ‘I’m Sorry’ was overused. My mom -God love her- still apologizes for everything. I naturally picked up that habit as a way to appease a person or dim myself to be less threatening, or gloss over a situation that’s otherwise uncomfortable. ‘I’m sorry’ is a crutch. But it really isn’t serving anyone.
I have a girlfriend who started making me aware of my habit. I’d say “I’m sorry” as a way to express empathy or solidarity. She would always say “YOU SHOULD BE!” And then she’d laugh. It’s always a reminder to me that “I’m sorry” is rarely the right response. “That really sucks” or “Gosh, how can I support you?” Those would’ve been appropriate. But I’ve found “I’m sorry” to be a tough one to break.
So let’s look at the research around this.
Research shows when you say ‘I’m sorry’ you’re actually sending the message that you don’t have any confidence in yourself and you’re just ineffective. There was a study published in the journal “Frontiers of Psychology” that found saying ‘i’m sorry’ when you intentionally reject someone - like canceling plans for example - causes the person to feel worse or force them to forgive you when they’re not ready.
On the flip-side, you can choose NOT TO APOLOGIZE and the research shows there are psychological benefits to that. There was a study published in The European Journal of Social Psychology that found people who refused to express remorse showed signs of “greater self-esteem, increased feelings of power (or control) and integrity.”
Here’s the deal. We say ‘I’m sorry’ WAAAY TOO MUCH. And we use it in the wrong way. We over-apologize when we feel uncomfortable or insecure or when we don’t know what else to say. So we apologize to try to make ourselves or the other person feel better.
People-pleasing is part of this. You want to be seen as nice and polite, and so you’re overly concerned about what others think about you. Newsflash – it doesn’t matter. You can’t make everybody love you – and saying ‘I’m Sorry’ won’t help.
Another reason you’re overusing ‘I’m sorry’ is because you likely have low self-esteem. If this is the culprit, you’re concerned you’re doing something wrong or being difficult or causing problems. Saying ‘I’m sorry’ actually lessens your effectiveness. You’re not gonna get what you want that way. You’re gonna get steamrolled.
And I hate to tell you – but Even perfectionism is part of this – like if you have painfully high standards for yourself – so you constantly feel inadequate and need to apologize when you don’t do something perfectly. I totally dealt with this. I remember my parents driving 8 hours from South Carolina to Tallahassee for Florida State Homecoming. I was up for FSU Homecoming queen my Senior year. I came in 2nd place. I remember saying “I’m sorry” to my parents. They were like “what in the world?!?” I was like “I’m sorry you drove all this way and I didn’t win.” They were like “YOU’RE CRAZY.” That’s an “i’m sorry” born from perfectionism. I should’ve said “that sucked, I wanted to win!” But 20-year old me wasn’t able to. Thankfully I’ve healed this.
I’ve seen people apologize when they feel uncomfortable.. And when they feel responsible for other people’s behavior – I’ll be honest – I still do this all the time with my kids. They act-a-fool in public and I’m like “Excuse us” or “so sorry they kicked your airplane seat for the 31st time.”
Here’s the deal. We gotta stop.
Because what we’re really doing when we’re saying ‘i’m sorry’ over and over again is criticizing ourselves! When “I’m sorry” is an automatic response, it shows we don’t have confidence in how we feel or what we need. It’s like Taylor Swift ‘“I’M THE PROBLEM, IT’S ME.” This isn’t self-confidence. It’s the opposite of self-worth. It shows how afraid you are of conflict or rejection or criticism. So you’re going out of your way to be accommodating.
Dr. Paquita Pullen -who was a recent guest on AMPstigator Episode 40- where we talked about Overcoming Scarcity. She positions ‘I’m Sorry’ in this way…
She says a lot of people apologize for needing something. But why are we sorry for having needs? Why do we say ‘i’m sorry, could you help me?’ or we start to tear up and need a moment to catch our breath – and we say ‘i’m sorry.
LOOK! Being sorry for our needs DOESN’T WORK. When we’re vulnerable, why do we feel like we’ve done something wrong. LISTEN – if you’re being your authentic self, then you were in alignment and you have a clearer understanding of EXACTLY WHAT YOU NEED. THAT REQUIRES ZERO APOLOGIES.
MATTER OF FACT… YOU NEED TO FEEL INTO THAT UNAPOLOGETICALLY. So don’t say ‘I’m sorry’ for BEING HUMAN and HAVING NEEDS.
So let’s talk about what you NEVER need to apologize for. I’ve got 8 things on my list here. I’ll listen them off:
1. Things you didn’t do
2. Things you can’t control
3. Things other adults do
4. Asking a question or needing something
5. Your appearance
6. Your feelings
7. Not having all the answers
8. Not responding immediately
Out of those 8 things, I know I’ve said ‘I’m sorry’ for 4 of them. I say like ‘I’m sorry, I have a question.’ or “i’m sorry for not getting back to you immediately.’
I’ve put that list of 8 in the email that goes along with this episode. If you didn’t get it, DM me your email address and just tell me what you’re looking for – like ‘the sheet from the i’m sorry episode’ and I’ll send it over to you. I’ve put some other questions around the sheet for you to think about – because the goal is bringing awareness to when you’re doing this and how it isn’t helping you.
So how do we STOP over-APOLOGIZING? There’s three things you gotta do…
The first thing you gotta do is NOTICE WHAT YOU’RE FEELING AND THINKING WHEN YOU SAY IT.
Awareness is always the first step in anything. You have to know when you’re doing it. You can also set an intention around it. I love intentions. If you need help learning how to set one, go back to Episode 20 “Set your intention.” I talk you through the process as I learned to set my first intention ever. But the awareness is key because often times we don’t even realize how often we’re apologizing.
The next thing you need to do is figure out if an apology is even necessary.
Did you actually do something wrong? Are you feeling bad about something when you shouldn’t? This is a great opportunity to find a friend who you feel really safe around and just straight-up asking them how they read a situation.
And lastly, you can find something else to say. You could say “thank you.” Like, instead of “i’m so sorry I’m late. You could say ‘Thank you for your patience.’ This is one I say a lot because I’m chronically 3-4 minutes late everywhere I go.
You could also say ‘unfortunately.’ So, instead of saying “i’m sorry, but this isn’t what I ordered,” you could say ‘Unfortunately, my order is wrong. I can’t have dairy.” or whatever it is. You didn’t make the mistake. Don’t apologize for your needs.
And you could also use ‘excuse me.’ Like, ‘excuse me while I walk around you.’
Over these next few days, I want you to get really aware of the times you apologize for things. Keep an apology journal if you want. Or you could even have a game where you keep track of how often other people say it.
“I’m sorry” carries a lot of weight - it can be really impactful when it’s said genuinely. You have to be vulnerable. You have to be admitting you did something wrong. When you’re truly sorry means you feel regret or sadness over a bad situation – THAT YOU HAD A HAND IN.
But keep in mind.. It can also be said to manipulate a person. It can be used as a way to push a person past their boundaries or get a response that’s like ‘THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT.’ None of that’s okay.
Just remember.. Women are particularly notorious for using “I’m sorry.” The research shows we’re seen as caring and more community-minded when we’re likeable. For a lot of us saying ‘I’m sorry’ is part of how we convey that. But when we do that, it also presents us in a way that shows we have zero leadership potential or we can’t handle the heat.
So I say to you – when you say I’m sorry – make sure you know what emotion it’s coming from and why you’re saying it. Are you at fault? Or is a crutch because you don’t like the emotion you’re feeling?
USE IT THE RIGHT WAY. Respect yourself. Don’t manipulate other people.
I’m always in it for your growth.
So as you go through this week, I encourage you to shine your light. Lead with your heart. And live life purposefully. I”m lauren lowrey and this is ampstigator.
